Coming Out… It’s Not Just About You

Coming out is hard. There’s plenty of stories out there of how people came out to their friends, family, and coworkers. The toughest, and most heartwarming of these are those involving our families, those who are supposed to be the closest to us.

There’s a lot of fear as one moves through the coming out stage of their LGBT life. “Will I be accepted or rejected?” “Do I still have a home?” “Will I be able to get a good job?” “Will I get beat up or killed?” “Can I still get into Heaven?”and so on.

Acceptance of ourselves is one of the most challenging journeys. One that many can take many years to achieve. Just saying those words to ourselves, admitting to ourselves; “I am Gay.” They are powerful, and life changing words. While they don’t define us, they are words that will have impact on many, if not most aspects of our lives in some way, shape, or form. It becomes a huge part of who we are.

It’s not much wonder we put a priority on expectations of positive reactions when we finally make that jump and share our true selves with those most close to us in life. We’re struggling with it ourselves already, when we share our news with others, we are seeking, needing, craving love, support and acceptance.

Instantly.

But it’s not that simple. We may have had months, often years, to get ourselves to the point of self-acceptance, all too often we drop our news like a bomb on those around us. Expecting the immediate support we need may be unrealistic. Our news doesn’t affect just us.

Those we are close to, our family who is supposed to love us unconditionally, have their own beliefs, feelings, relationships, and so on, that may and/or will be rocked and forever changed by our news. All too often, unlike us who have had time to adjust and accept this news about ourselves, they are given seconds to accept a whole new reality in their own world and lives.

We all too often focus on those coming out, and forget about the support that those being came out to need as well. They are left all to often to fend for themselves, and face heavy and immediate criticism and judgement for not being instantly ok with what we ourselves weren’t instantly ok with.

“just tell them gently … so at least that way you don’t hit them in the face, give them a shock”

While the act of coming out is about us who actually come out, it’s about those who are part of our family and immediate circle as well, as we are apart of them. Just as we need their support, they need ours too.

Popular gay YouTuber RiyadhK released a new video this week featuring his parents sharing their story about his coming out.

His father, Sam, gives some very important advice to keep in mind as you’re getting ready to come out to your family;
“When you want to come out to your parents, it doesn’t matter who is it, the father or the mother that you’re closer to, and you can trust and they can listen to you, just tell them gently and then the other person can tell the other person gently, the father or the mother, the opposite one, so at least that way you don’t hit them in the face, give them a shock the way I got a shock”

You can watch the video here.

My own story was much easier than Riyadh’s. I was lucky to live in a house so full of love, and also with parents already, albeit somewhat superficially, exposed to the gay life. One of their friends was gay, and my father, a high school teacher, had dealt with issues in school surrounding what others who were gay had faced. But it was still a serious shock to them, and I didn’t fully give them all the support they could have used at first.

I was very late in my own development, it wasn’t until my later years of college that I finally figured out and accepted that I was gay. My first sexual encounter was with another man, a friend, while in the latter part of my final year of school.

I came home from school that year, and broke the news to my parents, mere days before they headed off to the cottage for the summer, while I stayed home to work, and as it turned out, to surf online dating sites and find my first serious boyfriend.

So my poor parents had this news dropped on them, had no time to deal with it and grow with me over the summer before coming home to “hi, this is my new boyfriend, he’s going to sleep over, under your roof while you’re home, oh and we’re thinking about moving in together.”

They handled it in relative stride, but not without some tension at first.

I regret not having been there for them more as their lives were rocked and shocked. As mom had to come to terms with the fact that she would never be getting grandchildren, at least not biological ones. As Dad’s relationship with his extended family changed and he was forced to focus more on our own nucleus. As they together faced the challenge of fulfilling their life long plans and dreams to move to the cottage permanently, in a small town, full of gossip, and not entirely gay-friendly. The rest of their lives forever changed. As they both faced worry and fear about how my life would turn out, how I would be accepted, if I would find love and fulfillment in life. Worry over if I would get beat up or worse for just walking down the street. How the church that they were so committed to and involved with would accept them and me. (They eventually were forced to leave that church, my mother’s childhood church, and the one we’d all attended as I grew up whenever we’d be at the cottage, but found a home at a new more accepting one. Supposedly for other reasons, but I myself don’t fully believe my gay-ness didn’t play a small part in the other issues having manifested).

I have amazing and wonderfully supportive parents. My biggest regret of my life story so far was having not been as supportive of the journey they were forced into by my own coming out as I could have been. They mean the world to me, and they have been with me every step of the way. I’m not sure I can say I’ve been there for them as much as I could have been.
As those around us continue on the challenging journey of coming out, they need our full support and love, but let us not forget those around them too, for they also need our support and love. At bare minimum, they sure as hell don’t need our criticism and judgment.

Living the gay life… It’s awesomer together.